Monday, October 15, 2007

There are some residual symptoms but it's almost over. Still when I wake up my head is flooded with automatic thoughts, there's some melancholy and I've been extra-horny, the resulting severe self-abuse could be interpreted as a side-effect... This time it wasn't so bad because I didn't hide, I wanted to but people wouldn't let me. Pesky fuckers! I love them. My first instinct is to lock myself in to protect the world from all the horror that is me when in fact I'm trying to protect myself from a world that at times is just horrible. That's one of the traps I have to avoid, problem is when I'm in it I think it's real. Sick? Yes, of course. Here's another one I've spotted, couldn't help, it's huge - and old, about two years of age. It's a crippling fear of myself, a feeling of impending doom I've been nursing since my second (and hopefully last) major depression. It got a hold of me last year in July, not only that, it got me thinking that it was always going to be that way. An annual horror show of unreal despair and death wishes. Since I'm such a masochist - that's right, a living potpourri of insanity - I've been expecting it and seeing things as "signs" - that's crazy talk!! Excuses for self-pity, blocks created to punish myself for things that went wrong not because I'm wicked and therefore shall suffer but because every now and then I get sick. It's the nature of the beast, sometimes it's a thing of wonder, sometimes it's just sad and pathetic. Now regarding the good stuff, there's lots of it - I just fail to mention them cause it's not always convenient. My friends, lovely crazies of the normal prototype and freaks of nature, kept popping up unannounced and taking me out. Not having things my way did wonders for my mental health. Two weeks have passed and I've been feeling more like myself again. Heard some funny things too. One friend told me about a dream from her teens, in it she wrestled and strangled a giant snake. "It's one of those Freudian things" was her conclusion. No shit! Oh and the music, sounds I left in the past and rediscovered: Ramalho, George Clinton, Cássia Eller, even Pink Floyd! Different people, different tastes. I guess I've spent some time (fifteen fucking days!!!) discovering and rediscovering things and now my new 'monday promise' is to stop bullshitting myself. I'll do my best to keep it. Life is usually good, can't let details and distortions make me believe otherwise. About distortions... something has to be done to those orange walls - it looks so psychotic. I remembered what I was thinking when I bought the paint: orange's supposed to help you focus, yeah right, kinda like a mean sargent. I'll paint over it eventually but not right away, no more hurrying, no more unnecessary worries.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Not so dazed but very confused...

Sometimes I find myself in a fetal position, it doesn't matter if I was sitting on the couch or lying in bed, my knees end up in front of my face and it is comforting. It's also proof that I'm broken, that my ego is fragmented, I'm losing it. If I slip too far there's not much I can do. It has to run it's cycles and going down is always tortuous. Nothing new, nothing I can't take. The mixed ones are the worst because you don't know where you stand. One minute is 'happy happy' and next I'm crying my eyes out. Anxiety is so overwhelming the weed ain't helping much. It's the move, I got all wound-up, there was so much to do in so little time. The new place is great, it's quiet and sleep's no longer a problem. The cable guy's supposed to come this week so it's safe to guess that I won't be seeing him until next. No web, no cable, weed's not working, how will I manage to numb my brain under these circumstances? I've been cycling non-stop, hypomania would be more than welcome at the moment, but it's mostly sadness and anger. It gets so turbulent inside my head... knowing that this will pass as soon as I'm settled is nice but sometimes things slip my mind as it obsesses only with darkness. Automatic thinking is fairly eazy to spot but hard to control when it's flooding my head. I'm afraid of writing because I don't want all of this madness and distortion reflected in anything, I just want it gone! So, for now, the best I can do is wait it out. I'm just worried this mixed state I'm in is just a sign of a coming depression. Since I moved in my new home on wednesday I've been keeping busy busy, just like a crazy person. Evidence? I painted the walls of the living room a bright orange. What was I thinking?! It looks good though, surprisingly. I'm doing my room next, I picked a shade of lilac, someone told me it's supposed to be soothing. We'll see...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

My short apartment search appears to have ended

It was a stormy day, as dark as night at 9 a.m., the strangest thing... But that's all right - I think I found a home! The apartment was one of the first I saw, the one I liked and it was taken. My luck kicked in, as usual, and the realestate agent called in the late afternoon saying it's mine if I want it. Sure I do! If everything goes well I'll be out of here by the end of next week. What sucks is no cable and no internet for a few days. Also, Argentina's going on hold until next year.
So much has been overlooked in the past 3-4 months - sometimes I loose track of what's important to me. I got caught up in the vortex of my fucked up family. My original plan for this year was to start off light (hence the trip to Italy), get my shit together and write. Since my return in March I've been drowned in a whole mess of problems I'm expected to deal with 'cause I'm the "smart one" and "I've got the time" - yeah, right... and they're not even mine! The worst part is that nothing gets solved, some people are addicted to problems and every time you come up with a solution something else is added so the drama can continue. I'm done with drama and I've got my own things to sort out.
The place is great, small building, quiet neighbourhood, top floor - no upstairs neighbours! As soon as I get my Zs in order I'll star producing better, it's always been that way. Once again I'll have my privacy, I'll be able to go around naked like I love and that's priceless... Most important, I'll be able to get my head in order. I've been so anxious lately, sometimes it feels like my chest is going to burst and my heart will just take off. Who could blame it? It's not like I've been doing such a good job at taking care of it. I placed myself in a stressful situation and now I sleep poorly, I haven't been eating well, my skin's gone crazy on me, been smoking like a chimney, skipping pilates and getting pissed off. Not very healthy.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

There's always something...

I've been experiencing a lot of turbulence lately. Last week I had some time to think about my original priorities and how things had to change drastically. This living arrangement I have with my sister is not doing me any good anymore. The idea was to help each other out, I helped her with the bills until her husband got a job and in return I would have a place to keep my stuff and sometimes myself. I moved in with her last year so we could work on the house we were selling. That was a dark year, we grew up in that house, I knew that going back there would mess with me and it did, there we had a long and painfully serious talk about our relationship and our lives and decide to work on our differences. She did the grown-up thing and went looking for a place to buy, I wasn't really sure of what I wanted to do, that's when "the deal" happened. I always fall for this sort of thing, it sounds good at first, I get to come and go as I please and not to worry with any bureaucracy - that would be the best part - but there's always a trap somewhere in it. We moved in the new place last year in November and in December I went to Italy for three months. So, during that time it was great sharing a place with my sister and her psycho husband - 'cause I wasn't here! It's a wonder it lasted so long, now I have to carefully think about what I'm going to do next. I've seen a few places, nothing I really liked, not one good bathroom so far and that's very important to me. Then I thought about how I was planning to visit Patagonia before the whole thing thaws out. What's unfair about my living arrangements turning sour is that I really didn't want to rent a place I'm not going to use much... Anyway, the though of spending some time in Argentina crossed my mind. I found out about a school where you can learn Spanish and take tango classes both in Buenos Ayres and in Bariloche. Whatever I do I hope to be out of here by the end of the month. It's raining now, I just love the way it sounds...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A little vacation

I've been neglecting this blog and that's nothing new. I'm big on starting things never to finish them but this time I want to do this right. Last week I went on a little vacation to Florianópolis, the island of Santa Catarina. I love that place, 40 beaches (or so) in one island, who wouldn't? I went with some friends on a spur of the moment thing, me plus 4 (one of which was also bipolar, but my complete opposite). We had fun on the road, plenty of weed to go around... After we got there (it's a 7 hr drive) we went first to the Campeche beach for a party, I didn't know anyone at first but I made friends with a LOT of people there - wish I could remember all their names though, hehe, darn beer... Well, we got there early and I'm a bit shy, that's ok cause I usually overcome it by pretending I'm not shy, and it works beautifully - along with the beer. Oh, also made two new friends at the party, a couple who lives across the street from the party guy (didn't like him very much, though) and we have plans for next time I'm in town (by the end of the year). Next day we went to Itapirubá, a beach just outside of Florianópolis in the morning and to the north of the island late in the afternoon to see a friend I haven't spoken to since college. We stayed in his place for a couple of days because of the guy who went there with us, but I swear I'm never setting foot there again. First of all, he turned into some really strange breed of hippie, mixed with punk, yeah, go figure... his place reeked! He and his wife have an Inn, so he told me I had to wait until the next day for a room, but I could sleep in his place until then. The wife was in the hospital cause they managed to let their child almost drown in the pool and that first night there I woke up with that motherfucker in bed with me! I felt something brushing ever so slightly against my ass and sure enough it was his hand, I yelled at him and he left me alone. The strangest thing, I've been feeling extra sleepy for awhile - and that's very unlike me, a insomniac- so I though I was cycling into depression again, but turns out I just got a really bad cold and it took it's time to bring me down. This has been the weirdest winter ever, so hot it feels like summer, worse than last year which was hot too. I went around the beach like it was summer, except the sun was so hot I didn't really feel the effect of the wind and now I'm sick, getting better, but still...Anyway, I'll post some more on Florianópolis later, I'm feeling a bit loopy now, so I better take a nap or something. And I'll stop neglecting the blog... I hope.

Monday, September 3, 2007

How about that...

New day, new week, all new stuff - or at least almost... I feel so proud of myself when I get rid of something that does me no good. Or someone, which is the case here. Now let's just hope that the old "out of sight out of mind" thing will actually work. Enough about that! Last week I found a label that I wouldn't mind using, it's supposed to be serious but it just cracked me up. Well, turns out I'm an 'Apatheist'. I'll elaborate! I was never religious, so if there's one thing I can really (I mean really) thank my parents for is never forcing me or my sister into catholicism - if you don't count the baptism, that is. Anyway, I was talking to some guy about that and he kept bringing up his atheism (he's probably real proud of it). As I mentioned I was never religious and I think that it means just that, not 'I was never religious and now I'm a born-again atheist', man, that's the same as being in a cult, or sect or, get this and be patient - a religion! So, while I was doing some reading online I ran into an article about apatheism, and it fits me like a glove. It goes something like this: an apatheist is someone who considers the question of the existence of God as neither meaningful nor relevant to human affairs. In other words, apatheists just don't care. And I don't even care if you are religious, go for it! We all gotta believe in something. Me? I believe in life and in chaos, some would say they're the same thing. Just keep something in mind: don't go around nagging everyone cause you think you've got everything figured out - cause you don't! No one does man, sorry... I remember reading about a north-American tribe, they used to place seeds in the orifices of their dearly departed and then 'plant' them in the ground, the seeds would germinate and grow into trees. Now, in my opinion, that would be the only way to have a shot at 'eternal life', you in the tree, the birds and other critters eat from the tree, they poop out the seeds and then there's another tree, you've relocated!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Oh Brother! (in law)

What a crappy morning... Sometimes I wonder if what's wrong with this world isn't directly related to the so called 'normal people'. Sometimes I'm sure of it. I'll elaborate. For some time now I've been having problems with the upstairs neighbours, don't really know what's the matter with those imbeciles, but it sounds like they're gonna come crashing through the ceiling, plus they've got a kid that enjoys bouncing something heavy and apparently solid just above my head and I could just giddily snap his little neck. Now, his precious mother, upon a very reasonable request for some silence responded as this: "My boy will play anyway he wants. I am a decent woman, I don't drink and I don't smoke", what the hell is that supposed to mean? Thanks to whatever force in this world (probably myself) I learned to hold my tongue - even though it doesn't always work. So after a lot of fighting I can't say it's all better, but it sure has improved. Now, on the other hand, I've got my highly disturbed brother-in-law, who - get this - actually managed to get addicted to pot... Well it wouldn't be that bad if he had adhered to the Tribes of Peace, but it's not the case he's the world's most high strung stoner. And my new noise maker. My mood is reactive, so it doesn't really help me to wake up to total chaos just because he ran out of weed. Maybe if he got a job things like this wouldn't happen. Of course it would be great if he decided to get a job to help out my sister with the bills and not only to get high. But what do I know about love, right? For years people have been telling me that I'm emotionally unavailable and super selfish. Now, anyone - in their right mind - gets pissed off upon waking up to really unreasonable noise. Granted, even the super patient. In therapy I learned that only the meds weren't gonna cut it, I needed peace and stability in my life, in my environment. Most of it is up to me, but some of it has to be taken on by those who live with me and are a part of my life. It ticks me off that people can claim to care about you and then turn around and be completely oblivious and disrespectful to your needs. What am I up to now? I'm locked in my room, listening to music and drinking some coffee (ok, a LOT of it). How healthy is that? At least I'm not disturbing the disturbed...